Friday, July 7, 2017

Poop Monster Rules of Engagement

Rules of life per my 10 week old son:
1) Flatly refuse to breastfeed. Mommy has convenient sources of milk readily available to you. Have nothing to do with these. Make her pump; it's a value added service and you should demand it. If you can wait until she's pumping to decide you're hungry, do so. Mommy loves irony. Exception: if mommy takes you to a lactation specialist it's ok to pretend to breastfeed. Anything to make mommy look neurotic.

2) Develop reflux. Any fool of a baby can spit up. You want to aim for fountains of barf. If you haven't soaked the wall behind your mommy then you're not really trying.

3) This should go without saying, but spit out any reflux medicine given to you. Your parents are trying to rob you of your special barf powers. Don't let them do this!

4) Develop an allergy to dairy. Do not, and this is important, make it clear that you have done so. If your mommy starts eating dairy again after an elimination diet, give it a few days of increasing, but gradual, fussiness before you become the Poop Monster. When you do become the Poop Monster, make sure you blow out your diaper so badly that everything your mommy is wearing becomes covered with poop. Think fountains of barf, but in reverse, as it were.

5) Decide you're hungry at the most inopportune moments. Wait until your mommy is standing in line to checkout at the store, then become ravenous. Decide your mommy is clearly trying to starve you, and tell everyone about it at the top of your lungs...remember, your life is at stake here. Make your mommy pull out a bottle wherever she is--remember, mommy shamers will think you're formula fed and look askance at your mommy. This is your goal.

6) Develop colic and scream for at least an hour every afternoon. But, and this is also important, remember to stop right before daddy gets home from work. Be cheerful with daddy--make him think that it's just mommy's being stressed out that makes you fussy for her.

7) Always be cheerful and/or happily asleep for grandparents.

8) Remember that if you can get mommy involuntarily committed to inpatient psychiatric treatment you will be proclaimed King of the Babies. Work towards this goal.

9) Inconsistency is key. If you like the baby carrier today, make sure tomorrow you react as if it were slowly burning you to death. If you can scream hard enough to make strangers call child protective services, so much the better.

10) Safe sleep is for unambitious babies who don't want to become King. Refuse to sleep in any situation that would allow your parents to take their eyes off you for a minute. Cribs are out. Hanging by one toe from monkey bars over a pit of lava would be ideal.

11) Spit out your binky every five seconds. Scream because you have no binky.

To be updated...


  1. And be so endearingly adorable that even in the screamiest scream-storm you look unbearably cute.

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  2. All the better to break your heart with inconsolable wailing, my dear.

  3. How accurately you have described new motherhood.

    He's awfully cute, though, which is why the human species hasn't died out.

    1. Yep. Now I understand why my mom always used to say, " It's a good thing you're so cute."

  4. you have described new motherhood.

    He's awfully cute, though, which is


  5. ccurately you have described new motherhood.

    He's awfully cute, th

  6. have described new motherhood.

    He's awfully c