Saturday, March 30, 2013

And the Newest Absurdity is....

For those of you in your mid 20s to 30s... do you remember the show "Daria?" I'm sure you do, because it was awesome. Anyway, to refresh your memory, and to fill in those poor lost souls who have to watch Daria through AmazonPrime or YouTube, I'll just point out that Daria and her friend were always watching a seemingly-unrealistic TV show called "Sick, Sad World."

I'm here to inform you that I have unwittingly stumbled into a set of "Sick, Sad World," and I can't get out. I mean, seriously...taken from an objective point of view, a script of my life would be ridiculed for being totally unbelievable, melodramatic and lacking in explosions...oh wait, no...chemistry class... Anyway, my point is that very little surprises me these days. Not even the newest development in the "Let's try to stop Sam's body from starving itself to death" campaign.

Are all y'all (as they say here in Baltimore; I think I've got the Southern grammar right, but am not totally sure) ready for this? I am going to get Botox injections. In my stomach. I kid you not. My stomach won't empty anymore, which is what doctors like to call "bad." Not even fluids can get through sometimes. So the answer is to paralyze the muscles that are not already paralyzed so they'll relax and let me eat/drink. Or that's the theory. I think at this point my physicians get together and throw ideas around: "Ooh, I know, next time let's try poison arrow frog!" "No, pufferfish toxin (tetrodotoxin)!" And then let's amputate two fingers, one ankle and a toenail!

So anyway, Botox. I'd make the obligatory jokes about being too young for Botox, etc....but they would fall flat. In other news, lupus and gastroparesis suck.


  1. Wasn't it your middle school science teacher who accidentally set off an explosion and fire and got fired on the spot? Just as a side note.

  2. My dad has been suffering from facial dystonia (I think) where his top lip doesn't function right. The muscles cramp up and make it hard for him to speak as clearly as he would like. The bizarre thing is that is happened every other day--reliably. He would look at the calendar and try to schedule important things for the days he knew he could talk. So my Dad has been getting botox shots in his lip for about a year. It hasn't really helped much, except to disrupt the predictability. Now he's with a different doctor who is trying a different botox strategy. Of course botox is harder for scientists like you and my dad because you KNOW WHAT IT IS. It's not just some beauty treatment. It's a tamed killer. That being said, if it will enable your stomach to digest actual food, three cheers!